I recently turned 25.  Here are some of the thought I've been keeping...

Sometimes it's just so hard to find somebody to talk to.

People come and go, they leave an undefined mark.  I don't even know what to do with their marks, I can't bring them to life.  I can't cast a spell that would bring consciousness to these inanimate traces of memories.  I can only linger in what appears to be their likelihood.  For some reason, they shatter me.  I am thrown into an oblivious past and I can always be as candid as I can be, but deep inside I am the epitome of destruction. 

They cheat, they lie, they stab you in the back.  Just when you thought they are done with you, they come back to take one final lunge of violation.  They won't stop.  They are neither vile or greedy, they are plain sadistic. 

Ahh, memories.  That's all we have.  You will always remember how sweet the taste of victory is and how bitter the face of sadness can be.  They are both maligned and jovial.  I have learned it the hard way.  Memories are traitors and trustworthy allies at the same time.  They bring you back into a choking past of mistakes and a delirious reminiscence of the perpetual bliss.  They can be tiring and exciting.  Loud and silent.  Dark and glaring.  It is an unending ride in a roller coaster of regrets and satisfaction. 

Depression is such a pain.  There are times when it hits you for no apparent reason, reasons that are impossible to be understood even by the sagest of all men.  I woke up today with a cloud over my head.  I don't know what to make out of it.  I somehow went along with it and proceeded to do my task with less enthusiasm.  I wanted to break free from something that was invisibly ominous.  Someone must have cast a spell on me.  Voodoo who do? 

The weekend went by so fast.  How come I never get to enjoy something that's truly good?  The sweetness of being with your loved-ones is always dampened by the advent of goodbye.  I hate parting.  She is such a bitch and a traitor. 

Living miles away from home has provided me with freedom that I have always dreamed of.  It has also put a lot on my plate that it's almost like I am not able to enjoy my freedom because of it.  My mom would always say that while I have the determination of a warrior when it comes to living alone, I also have the housekeeping skills of a slob.  She is right.  Damn, parents are such smart people.  J

This week I plan to go home everyday to my parent's house in Cavite.  I want to experience how it is be sheltered again.  To wake up and not worry about the piling laundry.  Hehehehehehe.

Anyway, back to my depression.  Ayun, I hope it goes away real quick.  I hope it doesn't turn into a scar like the countless pimples that have plagued my face all my life….

Prelims week! 

3 out of 5!  Tomorrow exams na naman.  Prelims are generally easy.  You study a couple of week's worth of lessons and the professors are much more forgiving.  It's like the calm of the sea before a storm.  When midterm period rolls around, that's when it starts going crazy.  Give it a few months and the dreaded finals week will cause mass hysteria among students.  After the final exams, expect a mass concetration of students in billiard halls, videoke houses and computer houses!  They are there releasing all the stress they got from spending hours in the library and having sleepless nights thinking about the following morning's series of tests.  Ganun lang naman kasimple buhay estudyante.  You wake up, have breakfast, ask for your baon, attend your classes and hopefuly, get good grades.  This simpleton life is surely missed by members of the working population.  Everytime I get the chance, I always ask working professionals if they enjoy working or studying.  Guess what majority of them say, yeah, studying! 

When you start working, obligations begin to unravel.  You are suddenly faced with financial challenges and the expectation that you not anymore a child.  If you act like one, it's just immature.  People will start asking when are you getting married.  So contradicting when you were a student when they make all efforts sway you from settling down early.  Then there's the perennial payslip bummer - TAXES!  Wahhhhhhh!!! If I got back all the money I paid for taxes I would probably have my own sleek condo with state-of-the-art audio and video equiptments.  Shala!!!  But that's not the case in the adult world.  We all work to be the slave of the government and we all end up getting close to nothing.  Now that I am once again a student, I appreciate the fact that I can get what I have paid for.  I am entitled to student privileges and that's makes me feel important. Nyahahahaha.

Anyway, the school paper comes out in 2 weeks.  I need to come up with 4 articles.  News, feature, literary and a sport article all due in two weeks.  I already have materials but I just haven't had the will to do some research and drafting.  This saturday I am off to CCP to catch Cinemalaya.  I'll be there for an etire day.  I hope I can get something from it. 

Wait, my head hurts.  Later.

I know you and her go way back.  I know you are one and the same.  I had my doubts at first.  How can someone so reverred be friends with someone so vicious?  How did such an unlikely friendship came into existence.  Now I know the answer.  The old-time saying "Birds of the same feathers, flock together" holds so true for the two of you.  The difference is, the other one is just more cunning in hiding under a very thick exterior of superiority and prominence.  While the other's transparency is almost penetrable.  You are both nothing to me. 

I tried my best to be impartial.  Others may disagree and they can go on and on about my prejudices.  But at least I have the decency to own up to it.  I don't have to resort to what you have done.  I am completely incomparable to both of you. 

At the end of the day, when you lie in your filthy beds.  I wonder what goes on in your minds.  Do you think of all the people that you have and may stepped on just to gain something that no one will believe to be genuine?  Do you think that once you have put your wheels of cheating into motion, that it can't be stopped?  Do you even sleep?  With a clear conscience can you say that you are doing something for the good of others?  How much personal sacrifice are you capable of?  Have you always been this way?  Did you always always trick your way into success?  Is this a habit?

Ladies, you need help.  I don't intend to give you any but you may ask some from that one person who's always working with you simple because she has motives too.  But that's another entry....

Ahhhhhhrrrrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhh!!!

I checked the dictionary and looked up the meaning of whore and saw your picture beside it!!!  You really won't give up?  He is not yours anymore and I don't think any kind of malicious trickery and pathetic attempt to win him back will serve your purpose of getting his affection back.

So he slept with you, twice...That doesn't mean anything.  He wanted to get laid and you wanted your beaver to be stuffed!  Don't make such a big deal out of it.  He is better off where he is right now and your will not be better in any ay because whores like you die with herpes-infested mouths and solitary suicidal lives. 

You are unbelievable.  I have always thought that blood is thicker than water.  I guess in this case nothing is thicker than your face!!!!

I wish one day everything about your evil-doings will be exposed.  When you will be stripped off the thin layer of dignity that covers you.  You seem innocent and sweet but trust me, people do not believe that.  You will one day wake up in a place where it's sweltering hot and beside you is a beast ready to throw you into the fiery core of hell!

Good luck!

People lie....They have so much to say and most them are not true.  I am guilty of this, but I am not a pathological liar.  Every once in a while when I have to get myself ouf of the grave I have dug, I concoct intricate lies.  This would either work for me or against since some people would immediately suspect that an intricate excuse equates to a lie or a valid reason.

I have been lied to.  This causes me to have trust issues.  Most of the lies I have discovered were related to what I do for a living.  One can put somebody into such high regards with mere words, and when the speaker bears a credible title, people are led to believe such farce statements.

How hard is it to tell the truth?  We have heard the cliche "the truth shall set you free" over and over and yet we are still plagued with baseless accusations and rumors.  Is it really human nature to make up stories about people? Do we all lie because we need to save our assess?  Is our freedom that neglible to trade it off with a life of lies?  Do we not find comfort in the truth?  Does the truth really hurt?

What do you think?